F'Home is Where the Heart is (Part 1)

I was working two part-time jobs up until my third semester of Mortuary School. My first job was with an event coordination company I'd been with as a full-time employee for about two years at that point. I worked remotely, so there was a fair amount of flexibility within that schedule. I switched to part-time when school began so I could accommodate both my schoolwork and my second part-time job, which was with a local funeral home.

I'd reached out to the funeral home in December of 2020. My hope was that they had some sort of availability for any sort of work, and the potential for an apprenticeship when the time would come. Surprisingly, I heard back from them pretty quickly and was able to sit down and speak with a few folks there about what positions were available. After a rigorous reference check, I was hired as a wake attendant and office assistant. I was so thrilled to be getting back into the funeral industry concurrent with my schooling.

When I look back at my first six months at the funeral home, I can't help but remember how isolated and alone I felt. I didn't feel like anyone wanted me there or wanted to help me at all, aside from the office manager. The longer I worked there, however, and the more interest and care I showed in learning, the funeral directors began to open up to me little by little.

Prior to COVID, the funeral home where I worked during school (which I will refer to as FH1 going forward) had a pretty packed staff. Once COVID hit, FH1 went through some staffing changes which I believe shook up the environment a bit. Additionally, to paraphrase a friend and colleague from FH1, no one thought I'd last there 6 months let alone 3 years. I don't blame people for being standoffish - I was the New Kid in a very established environment with a rich history of disappointment.

Quite frankly, I can't blame them for not wanting to get to know me at first. I truly didn't think I'd last there for 6 months let alone three years either. I'll be completely honest - I don't know how to talk about the emotional and physical toll that working at FH1 took on me. I must have aged 10 years just by working there. So for right now, I'm not going to talk about that part of it.

For my first year at FH1, I split my time between supporting families during wakes, visitations, and memorial gatherings, while also supporting families via email, through administrative paperwork, and beyond. I worked there about 20 to 25 hours a week and truly loved having the opportunity to apply knowledge I was learning at school while there, or knowledge I was learning through work on school projects. I did anything and everything I could, from cleaning up after wakes, taking out trash, shoveling snow, picking up death certificates at the state offices, to helping families select items such as thank you cards, entertaining children during visitations, and oodles of data entry. I would listen to directors and other staff take phone calls to understand the best practices of speaking with, but more importantly, actively listening to, people reaching out to let us know of the passing of their loved ones.

Once again, I strongly urge anyone who is considering Mortuary School to work in a funeral home in any capacity before, or during, that time. You learn so much by seeing, hearing, and doing, that a book or an instructor could never teach you. Real life experience goes such a long way when you're trying to decide what your path is in life regardless of the skills you're attempting to obtain.

The more I worked, the stronger my confidence grew. For the first time in my life, I realized I wasn't experiencing Imposter Syndrome. I felt very much like I was on the right track, in the right place, and working toward being the best version of myself that has ever existed. But also like...I was starting to feel like a real Funeral Professional.

It was during my third semester that I quit my part-time job with the event coordination company. My time management was about to be tested, and having two part-time jobs was just not in the cards. Prior to the third semester of Mortuary School, we had a cohort meeting. Our Dean and Instructors let us know, in no uncertain terms, that shit was about to get really real. I will go into more detail about this in another post, but the short version is this: it was time to start embalming AND time to study for some major Practicums which would help as we graduated and moved on to taking the National Board Exams.

By this point, I'd been working at FH1 for a little over a year. I'd been working up the nerve to insert myself more in funeral director business by asking to tag along on removals and casually ask the funeral director's their advice on certain scenarios we would talk about in class. I knew I was getting somewhere when out of the blue one day, one of the funeral directors asked me what was the most insane thing I'd seen while working in the hospital morgue. Mere months ago, this same director looked at me a scoffed, "Why do you want to be funeral director anyway?" and told me I'd make more money as a real estate agent.

I was often asked, primarily by older male funeral directors, why I wanted to be a funeral director in the first place. The first time someone asked me this was during an interview in like 2004. I remember sitting the office of a funeral home in New York, having a lively conversation that I didn't realize in the moment was incredibly condescending. When the owner asked me why I wanted to work in his funeral home, I told him of my past experience and possible aspirations to become a funeral director. I explained that I love to help people and this was the ultimate way to help. "Why not get a job waitressing? You'd be helping people."

I mumbled something about having a bad ankle and left the interview at that point.

Some other things men have suggested I do instead of become a funeral director:
"If you like to help people so much, go work at Wal-Mart."
"You know what would help people? You should work in Customer Service."
"You're really great at talking on the phone. What about a receptionist job?"
"I think you'd make a really good mom."

I'd like to clarify that none of these are bad titles or career moves. However, when someone says "I want to (achieve something)", suggesting something else that is so completely different is not helpful. So what is the right answer?

"Cool."
"That's nice."
"I hear (suchnsuch) Funeral Home is hiring. Have you contacted them?"
"Good luck to you."

Anyhow...

One of the toughest things about attending online Mortuary School, and likely any online program I'd reckon, is that you have to have made specific connections in order to gain real hands-on experience. For my schooling, I needed to assist with 15 embalmings in order to graduate: 14 either under the supervision of a licensed funeral director at FH1 and one with my classmates at the Cook County Medical Examiner's Office (CCME), or all 15 with my classmates at the CCME. After seeing the work that the funeral directors at FH1 did, I really wanted them to teach me everything that they knew, though I went to the CCME orientation anyway. I was so scared that if I asked the directors at work, they'd say no.

Reasons I thought they would say no (in no particular order and with ABSOLUTELY no evidence that either of them felt this way):

1: I'm a woman
2: My views of the world differ from theirs (socially, politically and so on)
3: They probably don't think I'm serious about becoming a funeral director and
4: They also probably don't think I'd make a good funeral director

As she had done many time before and since then, our office manager told me I was being a bit silly. She was sure they would say yes and maybe even be honored I'd asked. Eventually, I worked up the nerve and, with my heart beating in my throat, asked two of the funeral directors with whom I worked if they would be my preceptors for my embalming experience. Much to my surprise (but to no one else's surprise because again, Point 2), they both said yes. After a year of trying so hard to get them to take me seriously as a potential funeral director when I just felt like an annoyance, my persistence paid off!

"You always jump at the chance to learn new things. Most people just wait for opportunities to come to them," one of my preceptor directors told me a few weeks into our embalming quest. "It's impressive."

It was the support and enthusiasm of the people with whom I worked that truly let me know I was in the right place...for now.

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